"If you didn't want to drown, why didn't you bring a life jacket?"

I'm struggling to breathe under the weight of my own faults. I'm tired of rushing. Why do I always do this to myself?

Please let me drift out to sea and not have to worry about whether or not I'll sink...

Not even the ones you think you can

Trust no one, you'll only regret it.

Things for Self Care:

1. Start a new series or finish an old one
2. Watch a favorite movie series (Narnia? Transformers?)
3. Brush your hair
4. Style your hair
5. Wash face/find cool face mask ideas online
6. Put on makeup/dress up (maybe even take selfies oooo)
7. Shower. If feeling up for it take a bath with lots of bubbles or a bath bomb
8. Eat something. Maybe healthy, maybe not. Just enjoy some good food that makes you smile
9. Play with an animal, they get lonely too you know.
10. Paint nails (can always try out a bunch of different colors of each nail)
11. Upbeat music, new playlists, new artists, any music that will make you wanna bust into song
12. Clear out clutter if up for it, even the virtual kind (It will make you feel better I promise, even if it's just sorting files)
13. Read, go through old stories that you loved at one point or search for new ones
14. Work out (I can hear you groaning stop that) It will make you feel a bit better. Stop lying, you know you will at least get out the bad vibes while also getting fit.
15. Light a candle, they smell nice and so do you i'm sure.
16. Sleep. Dream. 

Self care is hard (especiallyyyyy if people/things are draining you) if you can find the time to do just one of these, do it. 

It's for the best, best, best.

I know it's for the best.
This is my chance, to take control of my life, to be better for myself, to heal and care for me. I was lonely before but now I've forced myself to focus on it more so than beforehand. I know I wan't to work hard and focus on the things that will help me but that part of me still wants to slump over in defeat because of this feeling. That's what they want. I know it. But what they don't know is that I don't feel these things for them, it's not for them and never will be, even if they think it is I won't let it get to me.

Nothing will get to me, not anymore. I'm holding the hammer this time and i'm not about to crack what I just rebuilt.

I don't need friends to survive

Stop looking back, you're gonna get a crick in your neck.

Things don't always go as planned, it happens, don't let it phase you. Forget about unexpected happenings that make things go awry, move forward. Keep moving forward. Don't let anything or anyone get in the way.

Drop the dead weight or you might just drown with it.
The ocean is a very unforgiving place.

Hello Seattle, I am an albatross..

"On the docks and moored boats

I sail above your inlets and interstates

Through the rain and open wind"

  So, lately, and even as I sit here writing this (and also trying to make sure my parents aren't reading this as I type) I'm brought back to one of my all time favorite musical artists, Owl City. For OCD/Paranoia purposes, sometimes I force myself to not listen to any owl city songs. But it seems as though every semi-nostalgic bone in my body has been egging me on to go back and listen to Owl City again, and with the prospect of moving coming up soon (it doesn't seem soon now, but I know it will creep up quicker than expected) It's very fitting.
 Every song by them brings me back to happier times, times that I'm sure I've never even had happen before, the smell of the fresh sea and the distant sound of seagulls, the cool breeze and hot sun on my skin, it feels sort of like home in a way.
Oh. And there are lots of flowers too.
It's definitely a home place I hope to finally see, a distant idea of peace that lurks in my mind and fills me with excitement and happiness, that restlessness that comes with the idea of something better and brighter then what you have now. Like the thrill of adventure in a way.

But it also makes me nervous, what if it isn't as grand as I imagine, what if I get too nervous and don't get the chance to see it? I don't want that!

I'm not sure, I'm not even sure this place will be a reality, but there is no reason to not try.. Oh well, We'll see in a few days..

*Stress eats McDonalds as to avoid talking about my feelings*

"But if you're blocking me,

 I will soon defeat you

I will build a bridge above you or I'll tunnel underneath you."

"If I need to I'll go through you and absorb your fucking powers"

So today has been how any other day is, extremely uneventful and included me feeling like garbage.
It seems like whenever I'm actually trying to improve on myself and my life everyone else decides to act horrible and give me even more stress to want to cry over.
Like, wow, rude guys. Real rude. 
I'm trying! I'm trying so so so hard! I want to get better but when everyone around you is adding to your sadness and stress how are you supposed to ignore that, or get past that, or just brush it off like it's nothing?
 I'm not an idiot, and I know the people who I considered to be close to me are not what they played out to be, and I'm trying to put that conflict on the back-burner while I try and figure out my life and my own family issues, because damn, that in itself holds a lot of issues. And my family is surely not helping, I get that people get angry and upset (though sometimes for extremely stupid reasons..) but why can't they at least get on the same schedule of self pity and shitty attitudes so I don't have to be around people who act like that EVERYDAY OF THE WEEK!
Ugh. I also don't think people understand the concept of me not being their therapist. I'm not an adult and I don't have a degree in how to help people through their shit. Hell, I can't even help myself half the time! I try to be supportive and give good advice to the people who come to me to vent and talk about their problems, because I would want the same and I've been dubbed their "only constant" in their life which I do not want to be AT ALL, and it's not like I get thanks for it, and in the end they don't even do the same for me?
I spend hours talking them through stuff and I want to help but I constantly feel like I'm not getting that same level of care out of them, if i'm gonna talk about my problems like how they do, I know i'm not gonna get anything in return to make me feel better, and if anything I feel worse. At this point I've stopped talking about my own problems, if they even remember to ask me how I've been I just give the fake as hell reply of "i'm fine" "good good"
Now I'm pretty sure they're ignoring me at this point, and as much as I want to distance myself from them, I'm actually kind of pissed off? Because it's like they're making me out to be the bad person and trying to guilt trip me.
Ugh.
Idk.
If it isn't them it's something else. I just want to be able to help myself without everything and everyone constantly putting me down, that shouldn't be such a hard thing to manage!

For now I'm going to try and just do my work, tomorrow I have an exam and I'm praying my family doesn't act up like they did the last time I took an exam, because I'm pretty sure I totally botched that one because they ended up f*cking me over and I almost had a nervous breakdown an hour into taking it... Yippee.

Also, one song that is sort of helping me right now is "Moral of the story" by Watsky, Definitely helps to pump me up when I have this much stuff to deal with.