Restart & Refresh

i will breathe in the air i deserve and not waste any of it on you

So.. This is weird. But not really but also kind of?

I've been thinking about this for a while and I've been continuously regressing back into my depressive self where all i'm able to do if sleep and cry and I can't function like a normal person or someone who is able to handle simple tasks and minor stress (that they themselves put them in).
 Not to mention dealing with a family that practically claws at each other every time someone does something or opens their mouth... Orrr the fact that all my relationships outside of my family are falling apart just like they always do and I'm left being drained by people I thought would be there for me; but instead, as usual, I'm supposed to prioritize their problems and issues and by doing so ultimately put myself into a worse position when it comes to the things i'm supposed to do because I spent my whole night helping them through things instead of, idk, trying to make sure I pass my current grade and move on to the next one? So I can graduate? And go to college? And have an OK future?

I'm not sure what I should do anymore, because while it is very easy for me to push people out of my life and continue moving forward and not look back (Well sometimes look back. When I'm feeling nostalgic and sorry for myself), I feel that now if I do that to certain people I may end up leaving them in a bad place because I was their so-called pillar or the only constant in their life. Which I don't want to be! I can't even support myself emotionally let alone help someone else with those things! So If I leave them for good I'll be left fearing for their own safety and a little bit of my own but also feeling guilty because I was someone they trusted and needed.

I don't want that. And I don't think I ever wanted this, but instead got caught up in the emotions and acted too quickly because I do tend to do that a lot. I want to do what's best for myself now. I always have but I continue to fall back into a slump and give up.

I pray to whatever beings that would ever actually listen to me, I pray that I can finally be okay. I want to be happy. I want to get my life together and be able to look out for just me. I want to be able to be happy and have structure and not deal with this stress everyone/everything is causing me and not have to worry anymore about people who in the end will not worry about me. I know things will never be that easy, I understand that to have good times you also have to have some bad times but.. I think I've had enough bad times.

I hope that this possibility for a change in surrounding will help give me a chance to make what I want for myself happen. It won't cure everything, and I have to do this myself. But this could be my chance at a fresh start and I want it so badly.

From now on I will breathe in the air i deserve and not waste any of it on you
It's my time for change to come and I will grab it by the horns and not let it go